All the single ladies unite!

Two entries ago, a few kind readers expressed interest in knowing more about the guy that my great aunt set me up with, the guy I’m still talking to almost two years after our first rather uninteresting phone call. I don’t want to say much because the relationship is long distance. My sister was in a long distance relationship for two years and it had a very disappointing end; that is why I try to not to be in such relationships and why I’m not ready to say too much here. When things work out so we’re able to spend some in-person time together, I’ll provide you with more information than you want to hear.

We started talking in October 2009, we met in October 2010 and it was after this in-person meeting that things really turned from “potential couple” to “I guess we’re a real couple” in my eyes. He’s a Nigeria-based guy and maybe it’s only my experience but he seems to know what he wants and how he feels way earlier than I do, and he’s more comfortable expressing those feelings. I have given him a tough time but he’s still around so he looks like a keeper!

Yes, he’s a good guy, but we’ve had challenges that centre mostly around our different upbringings, and I’m learning a lot about what is involved in being a partner. This is difficult business! It’s been really frustrating to learn that my logic can be considered completely illogical to someone else and vice versa (but mostly the former). The other thing I’ve been thinking about is how hard this business of merging your life with someone, forever, is. Maybe since this is my first real relationship, fear of the unknown is entering my life. Maybe the independence that these last two years have brought to my life (moving out of my parents’ house almost 2.5 years ago and just a week ago buying my first car) have made me into someone who is happier with her “single” life. Now that marriage—something I have longed for and prayed for, something I was starting to think would never happen—could happen if things go well, it suddenly seems like a bigger step than I thought it would be. Questions like “How do I know if he’s the right person?” “How much do you need to know about someone before you make that step?” come to mind, and I’m not close to being engaged yet (if that’s God’s plan for the relationship)!

But one thing that I’d say is I am more optimistic: about love, about the silly “It’ll happen when you least expect it” phrase, about the fruit of hard work. This guy I’m talking to, like most Nigerians, has attended many weddings and he often remarks that he sees many people preparing for the wedding but not the marriage. This is one benefit of a long distance relationship: you can really use it to work on those things that are important in a marriage: communication, time together (even if it’s only by phone or computer in a long distance relationship), and just being a support for one another. Even if things don’t work out as I’m hoping they do, I will have no regrets because I feel I’m learning to be a better person.

I spent a good hour working on this blog entry only for it to disappear. I don’t think I’ve ever been this upset over losing an entry so either I’m feeling emotional and just using this as a reason to express this emotion or maybe I just really regret the loss of my hard work.

Anyway, here is my rewritten (as best I can) entry:

To me, there are two kinds of long distance relationships: the ones that start long distance and the ones that don’t.

I dislike long distance relationships but if I must be in one, I’d rather have enjoyed some in-person time before we’re parted than be in a relationship where you haven’t had a chance to stand beside them and see how you fit together, smell them or see if any of their mannerisms would drive you nuts. What if they are PDA-averse while you like holding hands in public? What if they hum while eating their food (a pet peeve of some)? These may not be deal breakers for you but I’d rather know sooner than later. No one wants to pour years into a long-distance-from-the-start relationship, only to meet and have things fizzle.

If you do find yourself in a long distance relationship where you haven’t had a chance to meet the other person face-to-face, I recommend the following:

Talk often
How often will depend on the couple but for me, I’d only enter into a long distance relationship with someone I was considering as a husband and as such, we should talk regularly, which to me means at least once a week. Since we haven’t met in person we should have plenty of things to talk about, and as things progress (well), I’d imagine that we’d talk more often than that.

I am a fan of voice chat, whether you use a telephone or something like Skype. There’s nothing like communicating by voice and learning more about each other from voice inflections and speech patterns. That guy who writes the most romantic emails might not be so eloquent over the phone. That hopefully won’t be a deal breaker but it’s good to know, isn’t it?

Try to meet as soon as possible
This is a no-brainer, I hope, though some fall in love with the perfection of the long distance relationship and are hesitant to break the magic by taking the relationship to the next level. Flying across the country (or around the world) is costly but so is investing years in a relationship that ends up fading within a day or two of the face-to-face meeting. Both time and money are valuable commodities. Another benefit to meeting as soon as possible is if those people who lie about their appearance online are still out there, meeting sooner rather than later will give you an opportunity to confirm that someone matches their profile picture.

Share the minutiae of your life
Despite all your best efforts, your colleagues or roommate might still know aspects of your daily life that your long distance love cannot know. For example, I am unbelievably grumpy in the mornings and I have this absurd habit of sprinkling my speech with French words and phrases. My grumpiness hasn’t been perceived because I guess I’m cheerful when I get the phone call. Also, I am too busy trying to practice my Yoruba on the phone to think about adding French to the mix. As a result, the guy I’ve been talking to won’t know those two things about me from experience, so I have to share them.

I am a firm believer in sharing those little details that make you a regular human being with your “person”. We sometimes get into the habit of only discussing the big things (work or school or the relationship), that we don’t share those minor other things we do like taking out the garbage, going to doctor’s appointments or doing volunteer work. I’m sure some don’t think this is important in the grand scheme of things but for me it just makes the relationship feel more real.

(PS: I love the word minutiae.)

Share family details
This is similar to the previous point. If you’re planning to have an in-person relationship with someone, you should know about their family, even if all you find out is that (God forbid) they are estranged from their family. I’m not suggesting that you whip out any sordid family history or share drama before meeting but you should know the basics about each other’s families: how many people are in the family and what your friend’s birth order is at least. I would also ask the ages of siblings and what the family members do for a living and I’d try to indirectly find out about the marital status of the parents, but that’s just the way I am. I’d be comfortable answering all the same questions too of course.

I think distance will play a role in more relationships moving forward, due to the increase in online dating, so it’s important to know how to deal with a relationship in a way that will help your relationship. Are there any other things you’ve learned during the course of a current or past long distance relationship that you’d like to share?